Wishing things were back to normal

Goodmorning. I am having one of those days were I just can't pick myself up. I feel like I am twenty feet underground, I feel alone, and hopeless.  I just don't know what to do with myself? I feel like I am somewhere I don't belong and I have so much pain harvesting down on me! I am not even Alexis anymore. I am some person that walks around in Alexis's body pretending to be her. Pretending to be happy even when she's not. I hold this fake smile on my face, showing it to everyone..but let me tell you..behind closed doors, its nothing like a smile. Its all tears and hurt! I have been hurting so bad lately..my chest literally hurts! My heart feels empty..and I am not just saying this..I really mean it. I am in so much pain from heartache, I don't kow if I am coming or going. I feel like I am just spinning in circles not knowing which way to go to get away from all of this. I have been so upset over all of this pain that I puked my guts out! I lock myself in the bathroom sometimes just so I can cry! My body hurts..sometimes I feel numb from all of the pain..I can't cry, eat, sleep. I just sit there and stare at the wall. I pray every night for God to take away this pain and let things work out between me and Trent but each day, I still wake up with the same pain I had the day before! When Trent was gone, things seemed a little bit easier...his best friend Jason would come to school every monday and say "alexis..trent wrote me this weekend and wants me to tell you that he loves you.." I would hear it every monday for a month and a half..I still thought about trent everyday and everynight. I still dreampt about him, I still saw his smiling face everytime I closed my eyes, and sometimes..I could of sworn I saw him standing at his locker smiling at me waiting for me to go over and talk to him..I cried all the time, but some days were easier than others. Somedays I wouldn't cry at all but then there would be somedays when I would cry all day long thinking I was going to die of heartache. I remember the day that told us all if wether he was coming home or not..I was scared all day, I prayed every class period and I as I walked to lunch with one of my old friends Kelsi..I remember saying to her "kels..nobody has heard anything from trent..I don't think he is coming home" and I glance over at jason and he gave me a thumbs up..I immediatly started to scream and cry! I turned around to kelsi and started to bawl my eyes out saying "kels..my trenty's home! My trenty is home!" I said it over and over again and she hugged me and spun me around and whiped my tears and I couldn't even eat..I walked out of the lunch line and into the bathroom so i could cry..it was one of the happiest days of my life! I remember coming home from school that day and logging onto facebook and having a message from trent saying "he lexie..I am home now and I can't wait to see you! We have a lot to talk about but I want you to know that I missed you and I can't wait to see you" I was so happy! I was on cloud nine..no lie. haha. That day was the happiest I had been in a very very long time. Actually..last night, I was laying down on the couch with Rose, the giant pink teddy bear trent bought me for valentines day last year, and as I was laying there staring at the ceiling until 1 in the morning..i started to think about all of our old memories. All the good times and the bad and it made me realize that everyone goes through a little bad before they get to the really great! I realized that I would much rather be spending all of this bad time with Trent rather than be spending good times that someone else. I am sure you are all saying to yourself "well that is pretty stupid..wouldn't she rather be happy then upset all of the time?" Well yeah..but Trent does make me happy! Its all of this us not being able to be together that breaks me down. My grandma told me one day "lexi, if you and Trent really do love each other the way you say you do thenin the future everything will work out and you guys will be very happy." So i hope everything works our in the near future :)